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Regarding the original post I wrote below, and to those of you who wrote me personally... I didn't intend for my writings to stir up a firestorm of emotions from your pasts. I'm clearly not the only person with these experiences! Per your requests for acknowledgement, the answer to each of you is no. I'm sorry... I am not J, and this was not intended for M, MX, DS, the person that posted here today about taking 6 months off, or for anyone involved in extra-marital affairs. I hope each of you find the peace you are searching for. That is my intention, when it seems all hope is gone.Original Post: Excuses... Still Running Scared?
As I think that 'you' will most likely never see this (and if you did you would probably turn a cold shoulder), I send this message out -I guess- to
the universe in a pathetic attempt to help relieve myself of this burden and have the closure of which I was deprived.
------------------------------------------------------
So, as time ticks by I keep thinking my memories and thoughts of you, along with my desire to see you/hear your voice/touch you will diminish. It's just not happening, as it has for me in other times past. It's this insanely deep connection that I still feel to you that won't let you fade away... You know, that mystical link that we both said was unprecedented and felt had bonded us from the very beginning. Once in a lifetime, soulmate? I don't know, but I do know it's unlike anything I've experienced before.
Did you cast a spell on me? If so, please remove it. I never meant you any harm. In spite of what you might think, you were the only one in my heart and I thought we were amazing together. I thought what we had begun was extraordinary. We were so connected we seemed to know what each other was thinking. I saw us being head over heals. No matter how it started, after the pretense, I saw myself with only you in the end... I was and would have been true to you always. If you could have only understood you had no reason to be afraid of me, that your heart was safe... Hurting you was and is the last thing I would ever want to do. Yeah, there were and are lots of options, but I didn't want any of them... My attraction and undeniable amazing connection were to you. Why couldn't you get that? I still think of you and feel strongly connected to you, like maybe you have regrets and are thinking of me too... Crazy, huh?
If it wasn't fear as you've said, was none of it real for you? How could I have been so wrong about who you were as a person? Wow, that would have been a helluva game of pursuit, huh? What did you have to gain, at your age? But if not a game, why did you have to sabatoge, and then again after the door was reopened? I feel so cheated that we never got to experience so many things together. If you were genuine and perhaps had more courage, we could have been so happy. Can't you understand that it was never about anyone else, what you had or where you were at in life? It was only about you. I believed in you, and I was proud of you. So sad that you didn't believe in me, or an 'us'.
I wish you happiness, love, success and health.
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